Selfish
by Draikinator
Summary: Kenny doesn't want to be selfish. With everything in him he doesn't want to be selfish, but the people he cares about are making it really hard for him not to be- especially Kyle. //Style//K2//
1. Notes

**Selfish**

_I try not to be selfish._

_Honestly. I really do. Which, I guess, is why I'm still breathing right now. Because I know, deep down, that, yes, I would be missed. Maybe not forever and maybe not too much but I would be missed. I do mean something to someone. I'm not stupid._

_And I'm not some whiny little girl who got dumped by her boyfriend and thinks the whole damn world is set against her. No. I'm stronger than that and smarter than that and I'm not governed solely by hormones. Well, being a guy like me, yeah, hormones play a part in my life, but not everything. Like I said, I'm not stupid. It probably is just the hormones, though. I'm, what, sixteen now? I forget sometimes, since no one ever celebrates my birthday. I forget when it is a lot. So I guess the whole thing is just a phase. Which is why I'm trying to fight it. I've got a life ahead of me, and I've got friends and family. My life isn't so bad, so I'm not really sure why I want to throw it away so badly, but I do._

_Yeah. I want to die. I'm going to tell you that because I honestly don't care. I die _every day._ But it means nothing because I'm always back by morning. So no one cares._

_No, that's not true either. It's not that they don't _care_, really… It's just that no one is _concerned._ I die so much that if they cried every time I got hit by a car or attacked by a bear, they'd end up wanting the same thing I do. And I don't want anyone else to get hurt because of me, so I guess it's okay._

_My life isn't really so crumby. I've got a decent home with nice parents, even if they do get drunk to much. It's not like they hate me. They do care, they just… you know, work differently than other families. And I have an older brother who _can_ care about me and get really protective if he thinks he needs to. And my little sister needs me around. I've got good friends, too. Stan and Kyle especially. Those two are inseparable, and they've known each other forever. I know I'm not on the top of their list of friends, but that's where they are on mine. Cartman's sort of an ass and most of the time I hate his guts- but I think he thinks of _me_ as _his_ best friend. And sometimes I think I would actually care if he got hurt or something. I don't have a lot of money to go on for college or anything so I'll probably just start working after high school, but it won't be so bad. I can find a good job, I'm pretty good with my hands. I'm pretty fast and pretty strong if I say so myself, and I've got a damn good voice. I've been to the best Romanian opera school, even if it was short lived. I sing in the park sometimes for extra money. Mostly when Stan and Kyle are busy._

_So I guess my life isn't perfect, but it isn't bad either. So I can't die for real. I've died hundreds of times- every way you can think of and every way you wouldn't want to. The only thing I've never done is kill myself. Because if I did that I think I really would stay dead. And I can't do that, because people really would cry for me._

_Nothing happened to me that suddenly changed my perspective on life and made me want to kill myself. I haven't had some tragic life and I'm not alone in the world._

_But I want to die._

_So, if you've been listening, and I'll say it again for those who haven't been, you'll know I'm being honest when I say I try not to be selfish. I don't want to make anyone cry because of me. I'm not worth crying over. That's why I'm still alive._

_I just don't want to be selfish._

------------

Kenny shut his eyes, also shutting out the rambling of his history teacher. To him, it meant nothing but annoying, trivial knowledge filling up his brain when he would surely never use it. So rather than pay attention to his teacher's lecture, he tore a sheet of paper out of his notebook and scribbled a hasty message on it.

_Can you believe this shit?_

He handed it to Butters who, nervously passed it over to Kyle who sat beside him.

Kyle looked it over for a second and shook his head, then wrote something and passed it back.

_God, I know. I can't believe we have to sit through another damn hour of this._

Kenny wrote one back.

_You wanna bail?_

Butters passed it, terrified.

_No way, dude, if we get caught my mom will have my head. And they're sending out those automated phone calls to parents if you miss class now, remember?_

_No shit? My parents don't have a phone and they probably wouldn't care anyway. _

_Dude, I'm sorry._

_Why?_

Kyle bit his lip, and looked over, shaking his head. Kenny made a non-committal gesture and shrugged. Kyle wrote something and passed it back.

_So how you gonna get me out of here?_

Kenny smiled suddenly and noticed Kyle let out a sigh. He knew what Kenny was going to say next.

_You mean how am I gonna get you and your boyfriend out?_

_Shut the hell up Kenny._

_Come on dude, have you seen yourself in that past six years? If you two start fucking you sure as hell better tell me._

Kyle blushed violently upon reading the note and turned to glare at Kenny with murderous intent. Kenny shrugged, a mad grin playing across his face. He scribbled something angrily and passed it back.

_I am NOT gay you asshole._

_Yeah well Stan is._

_No. No he's not. Shut the hell up._

_Bi?_

_I SAID SHUT UP KENNY_

_But, hypothetically speaking, if you WERE fucking…_

_Yes, Kenny. Hypothetically speaking if I spontaneously began fucking my best friend, you would be the first to know._

_You better._

_Right. Well anyway get me out of here._

_Alright. You could, _Kenny paused, thinking, _play sick and I'll take you to the nurse. Then we'll bail and go to the sushi place across the street._

_Nikki's? Why?_

_I'm hungry and you owe me sushi._

_Since when?_

_Don't you remember the time I got stoned and started yelling at those foreign exchange students and you told me to be more culturally diverse? Well, sushi is culturally diverse._

_Fuck you, Kenny._

_No, fuck Stan!_

_GODDAMMIT KENNY_

_You set me up for it. Now start moaning or something._

_Was that WITH innuendo or without?_

_Without, I want my sushi._

_What about Stan?_

_I'll just text him. He's in, what, gym right now? They wouldn't notice if he walked out the front door._

_Alright._

And that was how they ended up across the street, arguing in front of Nikki's, and attempting to decide if they could afford sushi. Of course, they couldn't, so, being such hard-to-please (insert irony here if you well) teenagers, they simply went into Mcdonalds instead.

Why is this day important to Kenny's life? Why have I chosen to share this, of all the days in poor Kenny McCormick's life, particular one with you? You surely must wonder why this holds any importance, and to tell you would surely ruin what you would say is the surprise. But to many of the children attending South Park High, most significantly Kenny, it was not a surprise that this event should come to pass. No, they had been expecting it. But you have only just met these children, you have no idea where their previous adventures together have led them. Or perhaps you do. But I am merely telling their story, and I must tell it plainly.

This is the day when Kenny's life began to change dramatically, because it was the day when Kyle Broflowski finally admitted to his friend that, yes, he did, in fact, like Stan Marsh. As I said, this was no surprise to those who knew them, but perhaps to you it is. I shall continue with the story, and let you decide that for yourself as you begin to understand who these children are, for, by the time my tale is done, you will know them.

---------------------------------------

Draik: So I guess I'm going to start a new one. Why?  
Kenny: ...Why is it about me agai-

Draik: WHY I SAY?

Kenny: I just asked wh-

Draik: Fine. I shall tell you anyway. Writing fanfiction or just writing anything is a big stress reliever for me, and I'm really stressed out with crazy school and stuff right now. I've got three weeks to finish a painting for honors art III, and I stink at painting, I've got algebra tests and english papers and videos to script and homework to do and work and I'm always trying to get my name somewhere and... sigh.

Kyle: You're off topic!  
Draik: THAT I AM.

Stan: THAT YOU ARE.

Draik: Anywho, I'm going to apply for a local paper to be a cartoonist on freelance. Cross your fingers for me, puh-leaze! I get the results back in November.

**LOVE YA'LL FOR READING KTHNX**


	2. Fights

**Selfish**

_Selfish; [sel-fish]__ adjective: __devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others._

"Seriously?" Kenny asked, not so much horrified as he felt later that he could have been, but more so just stunned. He'd joked for years that Kyle hadn't been straight, but the fact the he actually _wasn't_ was just too weird for him to handle.

Kyle nodded, shrugging as he carefully kept his eyes glued to slowly cooling coffee he had his hands wrapped around. He looked up after a moment, cautiously, searching for something in Kenny's eyes.

"That bother you?"  
Kenny quickly regained his composure and plastered an awkward smile on his face. "Pfft, no way. Like I said, I knew you two were gonna start fucking."

Kyle's face flushed, but he did seem tremendously relieved, "Yeah, well, you're wrong, since I haven't even _told_ Stan yet."

"No shit? Why not?" He drank the last of the coffee in his cup.

"Well, I just, I don't really know how to," Kenny made a gesture toward Kyle's cup, "Huh? Oh, yeah, here, you can have it. I just don't know how to tell him, y'know?"

Kenny paused, drinking Kyle's overly-bitter and slightly cold coffee. "Yeah, I guess. You guys are like super best friends or whatever though, I don't think it's gonna bother him so much."

"But, I mean, dude, what if it _does?_"

"Now you're just being paranoid."

"Is it really paranoia if they're really out to get you?"

"Eh?"  
"Nevermind."

There was an awkward pause. It didn't take long for Kenny's short attention span to kick in, though, and he felt a burning need to break said silence.

"Well, we got Moop practice today, so…" He remembered, swishing the contents of what he had discovered to be very, very bad coffee around the bottom of the cup.

"Eh? Oh, yeah. You can just toss that, you know."  
"Naw, I don't throw food away." He said, and drank the last of it, before they left for their band practice, like nothing was different. But maybe it wasn't.

----------------------------------------------

"_I'm still seeing something, guys, you see it too?_

_It's almost kind of funny, I don't know what to do._

_Life's a bitch, ya'll should know, I think you do, but even so_

_That's why we live it, don't you think?_

_It's a sorta sink or swim and I don't wanna sink_

_But I'll take those odds and beat 'em I'll bet_

_Come on, let's go, ready and set-_

_It's here and it's knocking telling you to know_

_That life said hi, so ready and go_

_Don't close the door_

_Don't turn away_

_Spread your wings and soar_

_Yeah, try a little living today!_

_If we're put here for a reason I think you oughta find one_

'_Cuz we weren't made to walk, we were built to run_

_Keep it going going going gone_

_Why do you think I wrote this song_

_I don't get it, why are you still here?_

_Don't you get it buddy? No pain no gain no fear!_

_Don't close the door_

_Don't turn away_

_Spread your wings and soar_

_Yeah, try a little living today!_" Kenny was silent as Stan and Kyle finished playing the extro, and Cartman set down his drumsticks, bored already.

"I thought that was pretty good," Kyle commented, pulling the guitar strap over his head.

"Nah," Kenny shrugged, "I'm pretty off my game, today, y'know? Maybe we should try an older song or something instead, we don't really have this one down yet."

"I thought that was the one we were gonna play at homecoming though," Stan said, picking up the sheet music and flipping through it, though Kenny couldn't understand what he could see in it with all its scribbles. _Maybe it's a guitar thing?_

"I dunno, I'm not feeling this one. It's too base-y, I think, actually. We probably oughta work on that…"

"No, I think it's just Cartman with his damn drums. You're off-beat again, fatass."

"Ay! Shut your face, ya' damn jew!"

Kyle shook his head, "Whatever. What the fuck ever! Cartman, what do you think?"  
"I think it sounded fine. You and yer jew senses are too picky."

"Fuck you, fatass."

"Fuck your boyfriend over there," Cartman shot back, and Kyle's face flushed as he flipped him off.  
"Ay! Screw you guys, I'm goin' home." With that, he tossed his drumsticks down and walked out of the room, slamming the door. They were all quiet for a few moments, before a rustling could be heard in the kitchen on the other side of the door.

"Stay out of my cheesy poofs, fatass!" Kyle yelled, earning him a muffled swear, more stomping, and another slammed door.

"Stupid fatass…" He mumbled, anger at boiling point and now with nothing constructive to direct it at. Kenny shrugged.

"Just ignore him, dude," Stan suggested for the millionth time, still studying his sheet music and scribbling more illegible notes on it.

"Arghh! He just gets so under my skin!" He cried, frustrated. Kenny wisely chose not to interfere with another one of Kyle's rants. It was mostly a given that Stan could say anything and Kyle wouldn't get mad at him, but that was because they were so close. They only got in fights over the really big stuff, and even though they could get in a huge fight, they always made up. Kenny wasn't sure enough to bet his friendship that he had such luck.

_Actually,_ Kenny paused, _It's kinda funny how close they've gotten. Thought they would've branched out and let other people in by now or something…_ He thought, feeling just a little hurt at the thought; he'd known them both almost as long as they'd known eachother, but even he wasn't really part of the group.

"Just forget about it, we still gotta fix this damn song before next week."

"Why can't we just play an old one? I'm better at those. I got nothing with this one," Kenny sighed, scratching the back of his head.

"Naw dude, everybody's heard all of those. We gotta play something new," Stan argued, dropping his notes back to their resting place. Kenny shook his head, stuck.

"But we sound like shit."

"I thought you said it was just an off day," Kyle threw back, obviously still retaining some of his bitter Cartman-anger.

Kenny, frustrated yelled back, "Well maybe I wouldn't be having such a bad day if you would just play the right damn notes half the time!"  
"Oh, hell, yeah, I'm just playing the shit your ass wrote in the first place!" Kyle yelled back, making a violent gesture towards Stan's almost forgotten sheet music.

"Oh, so now it's _my_ fault, after you butchered the damn thing with your 'edits?!'"

"I only fixed what was broken, stupid! Maybe if you actually tried to write something that could be played on a _freaking guitar_ I wouldn't have to!"

Stan made a few weak attempts to break up the fight, but fruitlessly. His hands were up, wavering, not sure what to do.

"Well maybe if you'd give me a fucking hand every once in awhile I'd know what I was doing! Like I have the money for guitar lessons, you asshole!"

"There's this damn thing called the internet now, you poor piece of shit!"

"Fuck, like I can afford that either! Godammit Kyle, how much do you think my job pays?!"

"Maybe if you were smart enough to get a better job than a gas station cashier you wouldn't be such a poor piece of shit like Cartman always says, asswhipe!"

"Oh, so now you agree with the fatass?!"

"Dammit, at least he's right when he calls you a worthless son of a bitch!"

"Yeah, I bet I mean nothing to you, seeing as you went and told me your big fucking secret, huh?!"

Kyle bit his lip, eyes widening for a moment. He regained his composure, squinting angrily.

"You wouldn't _dare_, you selfish piece of shit-" He growled dangerously, forgetting just how much stronger Kenny was than him, "or I'll tell Stan you were doing Wendy at that party last year!" He yelled, and everything dropped into dead silence.

"What?" Stan asked, bewildered and standing no more than four feet away. Kyle looked over, shocked. How could he have forgotten Stan was right there?!  
"You know what?" Kenny said bitterly, quietly. Kyle, suddenly feeling awful and traitorous, even by accident, didn't respond. "I _wouldn't_ dare, because you're still my goddamn friend, and I wouldn't blurt shit like that out _because you'd get your weak ass little self hurt._" He spat, and it remained silent, all but Kenny's heavy breathing.

"Fuck it!" He yelled, grabbing his jacket from its place on a nearby chair, "I'm out of here! But you'd better fucking tell him or I just might get pissed enough to say it anyway." He stormed out of the room, and was about to slam the door, when he paused and looked back in. "I'm probably gonna get fucking killed on the way home, too, you bastard! I hope you feel all warm and fuzzy when my mom tells you I'm fucking dead again!" Only then did he slam the door and make his escape into the cold darkness outside.

But Kenny wasn't killed, not just yet.

He wandered for a little while, not really in a mood to go home, when he found himself at the cemetery. He wasn't sure how he'd ended up there, but he'd managed to walk there sub-consciously. He stared at the old, black-iron arch over the much newer gate. After a moment, he pushed it open and went to go find his favorite tombstone. It was one of his, and though he didn't really have _that_ many, this was one of the early ones. They'd told him it was been very simple at first- nothing more than a piece of wood at first, but after about six months of him gone… they replaced it. It was the nicest he'd ever gotten.

It was pretty. Very simple, yet elegant. He rested his back against the cold, smooth stone, and ran his fingers across the words again. The only date that was on it was his birthdate. He touched it for a moment, wondering if he was really born then, or if the Kenny who was really born on that date was different? Was he the same Kenny, just reincarnated a thousand times for no reason, or a different Kenny with the same name and face and memories? A replacement, not a reincarnation? He wondered on it, and sighed.

_I really shouldn't try to be deep with life; I'll just end up thinking about killing myself again… _He thought sadly, and let his head lean back against the stone, too, closing his eyes. The dead silence was comforting to him, much better than the boiling argument he'd been in. What was it about, anyway? He couldn't remember, and it hadn't been more than twenty minutes ago.

He let the silence wrap itself around him, then let a little lyrical angst build up inside him as well.

"_Selfish...?_

_Am I selfish cuz I'm all alone_

_Or am I selfish cuz of who I left back home?_

_Oh, Selfish…_"He paused, letting out a short, mournful sigh. But it came back, bubbling forth and telling him what to say.

"_Do you call me selfish cuz I'm singing in the dark_

_All alone in this god forsaken park,_

_What makes me selfish? Why are you judging me?  
Trust me there's more to this situation than you'll ever see…_

_Or maybe, just maybe you call me selfish because I am_

_I guess, yeah, probably so, Whatever, I don't know but damn" _Kenny coughed, suddenly remembering how cold it was tonight. He'd probably die of hypothermia… but he felt too sad to care. He kept singing.

"_It just doesn't seem right and it doesn't seem fair_

_That I have to sing in the dark since nobody cares_

_About poor old Kenny,_

_Who's died too many…" _He choked, hating to say it even to himself.

"…_Too many times for him to be worth it_

_Poor old Kenny who's just sick, sick, sick…_

_I don't wanna die anymore_

_I don't know what I'm living for-_

_I'm not just dying the way you see_

_I'm dying deep inside of me_

_I broke a heart that's not gonna heal_

_And I think I might want to die for real,_

_Why am I alive if I just want to die?_

_Well I'll tell you, since I've still got to say goodbye,_

_It's cuz I didn't want to be selfish anymore_

_But since I don't know what I'm living for_

_Oh, who am I kidding? Know this instead-_

_I'm not so selfish since I'm already dead." _Kenny didn't move from his spot on the headstone, because he knew how cold it was, and he could barely feel his legs. And it wasn't too long before he _did_ end his day by dying there, cold and unnoticed in a graveyard beside his own headstone.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Draik: So, Kenny, how was your day? :D

Kenny: ;____;

Draik: Oh, yeah.

Kyle: When the hell did I turn into such a BASTARD? God, Kenny, I'm sorry. D:

Kenny: Boohoo, I'm emo now!

Draik: Sheddup. Your just easily distressed! Anyway, you'll get over it tomorrow.

Kenny: I will? What the hell, am I bipolar or something?

Draik: I dunno. Maybe…

Stan: Dude, don't give her any ideas. She already made you cheat on me with wen- wait a minute, why did I get back up with Wendy?  
Draik: Un… It helped the plotline.

Kyle: Does this even HAVE a plotline?!

Kenny: I think the point is to get me dead. =_=

Stan: No no, I think it's her weird idea of 'dark fluff!' using dark situation to make fluffy ones appear…

Kenny: That's pretty fucked up right there.

Kyle: I think she's a kinda fucked up chick. 0.o

Draik: I- Yeah, no comment.

Kenny: Hay! Don't be emo, crazy person! Dance! Dance as the wind!

Draik: Um… okay! *dances*

*cue giant happy funtime dance party of love and rainbows and YAY*

-Also, I would like to thank the AMAZING and WONDERFUL Caturday (yesyes go look him up now) for the faithful review. :D Love ya'!

PS- did you ever PASS notes in high school?! Those things don't follow conventional rules of society! They have little random bits of text going sideways and slanting and both sides and all over the place to fit it in. DX

-I would ALSO also (lol) like to thank the be-a-utimus Broflove for the nice long review. ;D It made my day! You're made of awesome. X3

PS- Whaaaaa? I'm being corrected all over the place now. DX First I find out they're actually NINE now in the series and now I can't spell Kyle's last name? OH NOES D:

**THANK YOU FOR READING! PLEASE REVIEW LOVE YOU ALL YAY~!**


	3. Deals

**Selfish**

_Fake; [feyk] adjective: designed to deceive or cheat; not real; counterfeit._

Kenny shouldered his backpack, then paused. It was so damn _heavy…_ and school only had a period and a half left. He'd been dead most of the day… He sighed, and dropped his bag. Not like school was really helping out his life anyway.

Kenny shook his head. _No, no, no. I have to go. If I have too many absents, I'll get kicked out of homecoming, and Kyle will explode. Christ…_ With that, he picked it back up, and ambled off the few blocks toward school.

----------------

"Hey, Kenny!" Kenny looked over upon hearing his name, and saw Kyle waving him over to his lunch table. He cocked an eyebrow. Wasn't Kyle supposed to be still mad at him or something? Grudges and stuff, right?

Well, apparently not, since he was very enthusiastic about it. Kenny started over, when he noticed Stan enter a door out of the corner of his eye. He was about to wave him over, too, when something extraordinary and very, very strange happened.

He almost lost his balance when he was rushed at and tackled into a very over-zealous kiss.

Of course, Kenny being Kenny, he was no stranger to kissing and the like. But he could almost _feel_ his brain shutting down when he realized he was receiving this particularly violent kiss from _Kyle._

Before he could muster the cognitive ability to respond to this situation in any way, a very, very embarrassed and flustered voice whispered, "Please, _please,_ just play along!" in his ear.

Kenny was also no stranger to deals. And he recognized a damn good one when he heard it. So Kenny pushed forward into the kiss, as if it had been completely expected.

_Hm. Not so bad, kissin' a guy…_ He thought idly, and pulled back with a smirk plastered on his face. He wasn't sure why, but it was there. Stan's eyes squinted, and he came closer cautiously.

"So…" He said, drawing out the syllable, "You two are…?"

Kyle nodded vigorously, answering the question that continued to confuse Kenny to no end.

Stan nodded very slowly, keeping his eyes on Kenny the whole time, until Kenny felt like tiny little holes were going to start fizzing up and smoking on his head.

"Um… that's…. cool…. I think…" He said cautiously, then hastily excused himself and made his retreat, glancing backwards until he was out of sight. Kyle continued to smile as if everything was hokey-dorey until he was absolutely sure Stan was gone, then he turned, face very serious.

"How much." He stated plainly, as if Kenny knew what the hell he was talking about.

"I um… what the… the _hell?_" Kenny stammered finally, confused.

"How much do I have to pay you to play along with this?"

"Play along with what? What the _hell_ did you tell him?"

Kyle bit his lip and averted his eyes, "I… um, well… I sorta panicked when _he_ sorta panicked… And I said _you_ said you were taking me to _homecoming_ and then… I, um… How much?"

Kenny pulled the drawstrings of his hoodie, "No way. No way in _hell_ am I gonna cart you around like my little _boyfriend_ for a whole week."

"Oh, come on! It's just so I can see if he gets…" Kyle paused, reaching for words, "Y'know, jealous-ish."

"Jealous-ish?"

"…Jealous-ish."

Kenny shook his head, "Ugh… I don't really _do_ together. Hit-and-run, y'know?"

"I'm not going to dwell on that, but come on! I know you're _broke_ again."

"Nor do I do _guys._"

Kyle's face flushed. It did that a lot, didn't it? "Shut up, asshole. I _just_ wanna see if it bothers him, y'know, like _that. _I'm assessing the situation. If he gives a shit, then I ask him out. He doesn't care? Well, I'll deal."

"Kind of a coward's way out, isn't it?" Kenny made a face.

Kyle sighed, "I'll give you _fifty bucks_."  
Kenny thought about it. "Fifty bucks…" He thought some more, "Make it sixty."

"Deal."

-------------------------------

Kenny did not miss the constant wary stares he received from Stan all through his last period. Kenny, though, didn't really mind, and simply stared ahead, attempting in vain to appear as if he were paying attention. He wasn't, but he felt guilty if he just fell asleep on his desk when he'd made the effort to drag himself here in the first place.

The thought was followed by a mental sigh when he realized that dragging himself here had earned him a temporary boyfriend. And sixty bucks, but still. _Boyfriend…_ Weird. Very weird. Kenny never thought he'd end up doing anything as weird as… _boyfriend._

But he really did need the money, and so suffered past the idea of it to think about what he was actually supposed to _do._

Did that mean he had to go to conspicuous places and make out? Hold hands in hallways, or- or-

He halted his thoughts. Better just to ask Kyle what he was supposed to do. Don't dwell upon nasty thoughts.

And finally, _finally,_ the bell sounded. Kenny was out of his seat and to the door at record speeds, when Stan stopped him.

"Hey," Stan nodded at Kenny, "Can I talk?"

Kenny shrugged, "Sure."

He slowed his pace, and they both turned to the railing of the upstairs crosswalk.

"When did you two… um, y'know, hook up?" Stan asked awkwardly, "And… _why?_"

Kenny shrugged nonchalantly, _shitshitshit! Craaaaap, say something!_ "The other day, after that big fight. And, well… you know. Kyle's cool."

"But, I mean… Come _on._ Kenny, I've known you since we were _three years old_. I've never met a kid more obsessed with chicks in my life, you've _never_ had a steady girlfriend based on _anything_ but sex, and you expect me to believe you suddenly fell head over heels for _Kyle_ enough to go against everything you've ever done? Really? Even _I'm_ not _that_ stupid."

"I… I … uh…" Kenny floundered for words, "Yes. Yes I do."

Stan let his breath out, "Come on. Tell me the truth. What are you up too? I swear to all that is good and holy, Kenny, if you hurt my friend I'll break your face." He threatened dangerously, and Kenny felt a pang of hurt in his chest. He was talking like they _weren't_ friends. Were they anymore? It didn't really feel like it. Friends didn't threaten each other like that. Not seriously.

He laughed awkwardly, "What, aren't we friends?"

Stan glared silently, and Kenny let the tender smile slip.

"What about Wendy, asshole?"

It was Kenny's turn to blush, "Damn, man, I was hammered."

"Was she?"

"What?"

"Was _she_ drunk?"

Kenny rubbed his nose nervously, "Well… um... I don't…"

"Kenny, dammit, was she drunk?"

"I… I don't think so, no…"

Stan made a low, curse sounding noise under his breath, "Just hurry up and give me an excuse to kill you, why don't you?"

Kenny's eyes softened sadly at the hostility, "Do what you have too. So will I."

-------------------------------------------

"Hey, so what am I supposed to _do_, exactly?" Kenny shifted his phone against his ear.

"_I dunno. Whatever the hell you normally do with your girlfriends._" Kyle said from the other end of the line.

Kenny laughed, "I don't think that's a good idea. I've never had a girlfriend I haven't fucked by the second date."

Kyle laughed, but very uncomfortably, "_Um… Okay, minus that part then_."

"Um… minus that part…" Keny thought very hard about it. What else was there… Oh, right- "I dunno, that mean I'm supposed to take you on a date?"

"_No, we just need to play the part when Stan's around, y'know?_"

"Hm. I think he might want to kill me."

"_What?_"

"Nothing, nevermind. I'm still not doing anything tonight, so you wanna catch a movie anyway?"

"_Eh? Oh. No, I don't have any money. I had to give it all to you, remember?_"

Kenny frowned, "I'll pay."

"_You don't have to do that._"

"Naw, I want to." _Why did I just say that?_

"_Um… I guess if you're okay with it. Sure. What's out?_"

Kenny brightened, "Saw Five!"

"…_No._"

Kenny sighed, "Gamers?"

"_Rated R._ _We're still sixteen._"

"Fake ID, duh."

"…_I'm not gonna use your fake ID to see a movie, idiot…_"

"What? No, I made you one, too…I just forgot to give it to you."

"_You made me a-! Why?! Agh- no. No, no, no, I don't want to know._"

"Aw. Poor sport."

"_Um…9 is out…_" Changing subjects, perhaps?

"Saw it already," Kenny sighed.

"_There's nothing out! Argh._"

"I don't have a TV anymore,or I'd offer."

"_Um… I do. Wanna come over?_"

"Sure. Should I nick a DVD, or do you have something you haven't seen?"

"_God, Kenny… Stop stealing shit._"

Kenny was taken aback, "What? Nobody ever misses the stuff. It's not like I'm doin' Grand Theft Auto or anythin'."

"_Yeah, but you're gonna get caught one day._"

Kenny shrugged, even though Kyle couldn't see it, "So? I die, I get out of it. Clean break."

"_Not cool, man. Not cool._"

"Whad'ya mean?"

"_You really should stop dying so much. One of these days, you aren't gonna get back up, y'know?_"

Kenny smiled grimly, despite himself, _you have no idea._ "Whatever. I'll see you in five, 'lright?"

"_Yeah._" Kenny hung up.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Draik: Kenny, stop making fake IDs!

Kyle: Nu! I wants mine!

Stan: Did he make me one?

Kenny: _Duh_. *tosses ID*

Stan: Sweeeeeet.

Draik: Nooo! You're supposed to NOT want those! Cut it out! DX

Kenny: But… I made them! ;___; THEY'RE SPECIAL NOW!

Draik: They're also ILLEGAL. =_= You can't have a fake ID unless you can handle it. Kenny can handle it.

Kyle: Can I handle it?

Draik: No.

Stan: Hey, wait a minute. If we're like sixteen now and that party where Kenny was getting it on with Wendy was last year… That means she'd be fifteen right?

Kenny: Um… I though she was Bebe?

Stan: But doesn't that mean I could just report you as a sex offender if I ever get pissed at you? Seeing as the legal age is like sixteen.

Kenny: …oh shit…

Draik: *scribbling* Ohhhh! Good, good! I like it…

Kenny: YOU'RE GIVING HER IDEAS, YOU BASTARD!

Stan: oh. Didn't mean to do THAT…. D8

Kyle: …I want a bigger role in this story…

Kenny: Eh?

Kyle: Kenny's OBVIOUSLY the main character- _again_, dammit- and him and Stan have got a rivalry thing happening, and all I can say is 'let's watch movies and pretend we're going out so I can make the jock jealous?'

Stan: Hey!

Draik: Um… You get a bigger part in the next chapter anyway. Notice Kenny didn't get too depressed here? Nor did he sing? Trust me, you'll get to deal with emo Kenny who likes to sing in graveyards without music.

Kyle: …Do I have to?

Draik: Yes.

Kyle: ;_____;

Caturday - DEAR GOD. I'm sorry. ;___; I take it back.

Kip McBear- ...Condisering that is impossible since, despite Caturday's apparant gender (SORRYSORRY) I'm _still_ a chick. 0_o Good luck. But... um, thank you. I think.

Broflove: OMIGOD. Thank you! Nice long review, makes me all warm and fuzzeh. X3 And how do you giggle like a money? 0.o

Emo-Nerdy-Insane-Writer - LOL shouldn't that be, I dunno, predictable by now? XD My stories aren't so original. XD Anyway, glad to see you again. :D


	4. Karen

**Selfish**

Boys are very simple creatures.

They don't need much to survive. Some potato chips, a couch, and something to quell their incessant boredom, and they'll be easily satisfied.

In the case of Kenny and Kyle, it was a bag of cheesy poofs, Kyle's too-small couch, and a very bad horror movie. The perfect combination.

But, Kyle's couch being as small as it was, it wasn't quite an adequate size for two teenage boys to properly spread out on. So, kicking their shoes off, they battled for space. It was a very brief fight that Kenny easily won, shoving Kyle to the smaller side, giving Kenny ample room to kick his legs out over. Kyle pouted.

"Asswhipe, it's _my_ house."

"Yes-yes-yes, but I'm the _guest_, eh?" Kenny grinned.

"Pfft, _guest_? You practically _live_ here."

"Only 'cuz you got food!" He laughed, searching couch cushions for a DVD remote.

"Hey, stop raiding my fridge!"

"But- but-" Kenny made a kicked puppy face, "Poor Kenny is poor! I have no money for _food_! Would Kyle-wyley really put out his bestest fwiend?"

"Shut up, you douchebag," Kyle joked, smiling despite himself.

"Hey now, that anyway to talk to your boyfriend?" Kenny waggled his finger, then lifted a cushion to find the remote buried beneath.

Kyle made a short, guttural noise that actually made Kenny turn to look at him, "You're never gonna let me forget this, are you?"

"_Never!_"

"Argh."

Over the course of the movie, however, Kyle shifted positions, and their legs ended up overlapping casually. Occasionally, one would remember they were supposed to be territorial, and shove the other off, laughing maniacally. But it didn't take long to end up in the same position, laughing hysterically at the poorly done horror flick.

_God, he has the cutest laugh-_ Kenny caught himself thinking, only to mentally slap himself. _No! Stop it, don't think like that. It's _Kyle._ It's creepy._

Suddenly, Kenny found himself wanting a handful of cheesy poofs, and stretched his hand out of sight for the bag. He closed his hand on empty air. Kenny paused. The bag had been there a few minutes ago. And yet here he was, hand grasping idly at nothing. Kenny looked over, to find Kyle greedily holding the bag.

Kenny stared at him for a moment. Kyle turned to look at him. Kenny leaned forward to grab the bag. Kyle pulled it away.

"No way, there's only a little left-"

"I just wanna bite-" Kenny insisted, reaching forward awkwardly, trying not to twist out of his comfortable movie-watching position.

"You're gonna eat it all-"

"No, I won't!"

"Yes, yes you will!" Kenny grunted, and sat up, diving for the bag. Kyle made a valiant attempt to wrench it out of Kenny's suddenly extended grasp, only to put his weight over the side of the couch accidentally, and send him and Kenny, whom his legs had become tangled with on the far-too-small couch, tumbling to the ground in a heap.

Kenny continued his determined attack for the cheesy poofs, only to find himself less than an inch from Kyle's face. On a sudden impulse that he himself didn't even understand, he leaned forward the extra inch and pressed his lips against Kyle's.

Kyle's face flushed (_Again?_) and he drew back. _But not until after letting me kiss him, huh?_

"Wh…" Kyle paused, uncertain, eyes gazing away, "What was that for?"

Kenny floundered. _What WAS that for?! _"P-practice."

"For- For what?"

"For, y'know. Tomorrow. I don't exactly kiss guys too often."

"Oh."

_Oh? That's it? Oh? _

Kenny looked at the floor, suddenly finding Kyle's carpet fascinating. _Oh? Good._

"I, um, I'll see you tomorrow, 'kay?" Kyle just nodded. Kenny fled.

---------------------------------------

"Tomorrow's homecoming, guys. We really oughta practice today." Stan commented during second period. Their science teacher continued to ramble on.

"Seconded. Meet at Stan's house by five, Kyle brings snacks?" Kenny said.

"Mm. The usual." Stan nodded in agreement.

"Why do I always bring snacks?" Kyle hissed.

"Duh, I provide the house, Cartman would eat it all, and Kenny's poor as shit." Stan laughed back. Normally, that would have been a casual remark that didn't bother Kenny. But he frowned, because it didn't sound quite as casual as usual.

"Fine, whatever." Kyle shrugged, only to finally be called down by a furious science teacher.

During lunch, however, something happened.

Kenny had one hand against the locker behind Kyle, and one in his hair, his fingers coiled in Kyle's absurd red curls. _Damn, he's a good kisser-_ he couldn't help but think, lip-locked with him.

It was then that Kenny realized he wasn't doing it for the money anymore. And more importantly, he didn't care. Kenny pressed his lips against the side of Kyle's neck, "I think I love you-" he heard himself whisper.

Kyle pushed him away, his face confused. "Wh-what?"

"I-" Kenny started, horrified at himself- _probably could have said that BETTER, stupid!_ "Forget about Stan. He's not into you, but," Kenny paused, smiling tentatively, "I am."

Kenny's smile faded when Kyle just looked at him with eyes as big as dinner plates, "I- I think you should go, Kenny…"

"B-but, I just-" He stuttered, trying desperately to recover. Kyle just shook his head.

"I'll see you… Um, l-later, okay?"

Kenny nodded numbly when Kyle hurried away.

--------------------------------------

Kenny went home after that, rather than go to last period. _I just need to… to think. So does Kyle, right? Yeah. No way we wouldn't still be friends, and if he has time to get over Stan, maybe- maybe-_ his mental reassuring came to a sudden halt when he saw the ambulance.

He stopped dead in his tracks.

It was at his house, and there was a huge crowd of people circling his trashed yard. He took a slow step forward. Another. And then he realized he was running; he'd dropped his pack and run as fast as he could. He shoved his way through the crowd, terrified.

"_I heard the gunshot- did you?_"

"_It was the scream- I heard that-_"

"_Why wasn't anyone else home?_"

"_Where's the family?_"

Snippets of conversations his terrified ears caught as he pushed his way past the curious bystanders, only to have a policeman grab him as he burst out of the crowd. He struggled, kicking and grabbing, trying to get away.

"No, you have to stay back-"

When he saw the stretcher come out though, he stopped breathing. It was the strings of chocolate brown hair he saw first, spilling out over the side of the stretcher, just like the streams of blood spilled out of-

"_Karen!_" He screamed, as loud as he could, though he didn't hear it, "_That's my sister!_" He made several choking noises, and slumped into the policeman's grip.

"I- I- I-" He stuttered, feeling his eyes start to burn. But he couldn't cry. Kenny didn't cry. _'Cuz when Kenny cries, Karen cries too. Karen loves her big brother and when he's sad so is she. Can't cry, or Karen will. Is Karen crying?_

"I- h-how?" Kenny stammered out. _Karen please get up._

The man averted his eyes, "I-" he paused, "-I don't know." _He's lying. _

Kenny blinked. Karen didn't get up. _Why doesn't Karen get up?_

"Karen…?" he said quietly. He stood up, just staring. They loaded her into an ambulance, and drove away. No sirens. _No hurry 'cuz Karen's not in it. That's another girl. That's somebody else's sister._

He walked forward, slowly, uncomprehending. Kenny found himself in front of one of the officers who was carrying a camera. _Miss, she's only fourteen._

"…Miss…?" He asked, eyes wavering. She looked over, startled at his presence. "Is my sister dead?" He said it bluntly. The words sounded so strange in his mouth. Because it was it was just so simply impossible, that the words meant nothing. _Because they had to be lies. Had to be lies._

She said nothing, just gently handed him a crumpled up piece of paper. Kenny stared at it dumbly for a few moments, and realized the woman had left. He unfolded it.

He forgot how to read. Kenny wasn't sure why he didn't understand the letters on the paper, but he knew they were letters. So the first thing he saw was the blood splattered on the corner. Then, all at once, he knew what the three words said, and he felt sick to his stomach.

_I'm sorry Kenny_

----------------------------------------------

Kenny supposed he should have been sad. But all he was, was angry. He was furious.

Angry because he hadn't gotten home in time.

Angry because he hadn't known how sad she was.

Angry because he hadn't been a good enough brother.

Angry that Karen was dead.

He yanked his backpack open, ditching all of it in his yard but one folder, containing all his unfinished music. _Sheet first, lyrics later._ He pulled out one that he'd never been able to write anything that fit. It was one of his favorites. It sounded so well when played- too well. He had no words for it. But now-

The words came out of him, fast and angry and perfect. He wrote them down as quickly as they came, choking back sobs.

Kenny pressed his hands against his face, and let the paper slide to the ground as he pulled his knees to his chest. But he didn't cry.

If he cried, Karen would too.

------------------------------------

When Kenny opened the door to Stan's garage, he still felt angry. But all that anger had turned inward on the way over, and morphed into an ugly form of self-loathing. _If I'd been better- If I'd just asked her if she was okay- It's my fault!_

"Kenny, where the _hell_ have you been? You're late, asswhipe!" Kyle yelled, sitting on a precarious chair, making notes on some sheet music.

Kenny said nothing.

"Hey, Kenny? The fuck, you listening?" Kyle stood up, glaring. _Why's he so angry?_

"Play this." He thrust a crumpled sheet of notes at Kyle, who frowned at it. "We have to practice it for tomorrow, dipshit."

"Where's Stan?"

Stan poked his head from behind an amp that was resting on a desk. "Yo."

Kenny continued to hold the music out. "Play. It."

"No way, dude! The fuck is wrong with you?"

"Hey, assholes," Cartman sneered, leaned back in a chair behind his drums, "I think we should play it."

"We have to _practice_ for _tomorrow!_" Kyle insisted.

"Well, I'm gonna play it with or without you guys, and I ain't playing the right song 'til we play the new one. So shut the hell up, get your damn guitar, and play with me."

Kenny looked at Cartman for a moment. He didn't have to say anything. He didn't want to say anything.

Kyle picked up his guitar uncertainly, and Stan followed suit. Kenny pulled out the few lyric-less copies he'd made, and handed them to his friends.

They read it over for a minute or two.

"Kenny- that looks- _great-_"Kyle said after a moment.

"Play."

Stan started, then Kyle, and Cartman finally entered. Kenny said nothing as he retrieved his mic from its resting place. He took a deep breath.

"_I'm in the mood for murder_

_Cause nobody heard her_

_When she cried_

_I! Want! To die!_

_I don't care_

_If you think it's fair_

_Karen was a good kid_

_She didn't deserve what she did!_

_Why's it the good kid who always loses_

_Karen shouldn't have hid the bruises!_

_I just want to know why_

_Karen had to die!_

_I'm in the mood for murder_

_Cause nobody heard her_

_When she cried_

_I! Want! To die!_

_One of her friends caught her crying_

_Looked at me, said 'Kenny why is Karen lying?'_

_Well what the hell am I supposed to say?!_

_Karen didn't come to school today!_

_Karen didn't come to school today!_

_Poor Karen! What she said, what she said!_

_Too late now, since Karen's dead!_

_I'm in the mood for murder_

_Cause nobody heard her_

_When she cried_

_I! Want! To die!_

_I've got to hit something, I'm just so mad!_

_Only cuz I never noticed she was just so sad_

_Maybe it's my fault, I prob'ly showed her how_

_Oh, god! It's too late now!_

_Karen didn't come to school today!_

_Karen didn't come to school today!_

_All her friends said it was such a cliché_

_Karen, come back! Karen, come back!_

_I never even saw her start to crack_

_I don't know what to fucking say,_

_Since Karen didn't come to school today!_

_Karen didn't come to school today!_

_Karen didn't come to school today!_

_Karen didn't come to school today!_

_Karen didn't come to school today!_" Kenny was literally screaming at this point, his voice cracking. Kyle and Stan had stopped playing by now, and Cartman was actually shaking Kenny, trying to get him to stop.

"Karen didn't- Karen didn't come-" Finally, he broke down, and all the sadness came, his beautiful, perfect numbness cracked and shattered.

"God!" He screamed, and he felt Cartman trying to tug him out of the protective ball he found himself in.

And then he was running. He didn't know how or why but he was running. The street fly by, and cars were honking like he was in the way- was he? _Why am I always in the way!?_

He ran on.

Suddenly, he wasn't in the street anymore. There were a thousand people around him, all of them silent, staring at him. He blinked, and they all looked like Karen. A thousand bloody, crying Karens.

He was running again. More cars honking. Somebody was yelling his name. Was it his name? Could he really claim it? _I don't want it anymore, please take it back._

And then the car hit him.

_DON'T COME BACK KENNY_

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Draik: I think I put way to much raw emotion into it.

Cartman: I… I don't even feel like cracking a racy joke. That was too intense.

Kenny: You-! You killed my sister-!

Draik: …Erm…

Stan: Dude…. You turned me into an asshole…

Kyle: Me too…

Kenny: …You know what? I _am_ in the 'mood for murder!' I'MA KILL YOU

Draik: …oh dear.

Kyle: God, I can't believe you killed Karen.

Stan: She wasn't even IN this story!

Kenny: What is WITH you and my little sister?!

Draik: Um… I'm the oldest of three in my family, so I guess I've always really really wanted an older brother to be around for me? Like, seriously. It's almost an obsession. My friends keep going on about what I'm missing not having grandparents and all (they died before I was born) and having a little Down's Syndrome brother and all- but I've always had a really romantic view of protective older brothers. *sigh* So I guess THAT'S why you're always super over protective of little Karen.

Kenny: …damn.

Draik: Sorry.

Kenny: I can't believe she's dead. That was so random.

Draik: Was it?  
Kenny: Of course it was.

Draik: Jeremy spoke in class today.

Kenny: What?  
Draik: Jeremy. It's a song by Pearl Jam. Go listen to it, and read the lyrics and the story behind it while you're at it.

Kenny: eh…

Karen: I'm dead?

Kenny: Holy-!

Karen: :)

Draik: …I'm… I'm just gonna go now. =_=


	5. Guns

**Selfish**

_Death: [deth] noun; the act of dying; the end of life; the total and permanent cessation of all the vital functions of an organism, manner of dying, IE, __a hero's death._

_Y'know, I think something is very, very wrong with Kenny. _Kyle was staring at the smear on the pavement that his friend had been reduced to.

_I think we just might have pushed him to far. Is Karen really dead? Of course- why else would he freak out like that? This is _Kenny_ we're talking about._

The locals continued driving, not caring that a boy had just been squashed like a ripe tomato. There was one family, probably passing through; South Park didn't have much to offer tourists; that had gotten out of their car to stare, horrified.

_Could Kenny really die if he wanted to? _Staring blankly at the ravaged thing that had once been Kenny shoved to the side of the road like a struck deer, it wasn't hard to imagine. _Would he want to? _

Kyle thought about it. _He said Stan 'wanted to kill' him. I told him to go away. Karen is dead. I don't know how- but form the way he sung it… I don't think it was an accident. Kenny's already got to have enough mental stability issues, with the whole death thing… and his crazy parents… and he's coming to school even less and less than he used to. _

_When we were kids, he would always come back smiling. Now he just comes back and says he hates dying. But what if the dying part isn't the part he hates?_

_Kenny, you're scaring me._

Kenny had died in so many worse ways than this, this death meant nothing. It barely even registered in Kyle's mind that he should be sad about the actual death. It had just happened to many times for it to matter.

_But he's my friend! I can't let him die anymore… I have to be a good friend, whether I want to or not. He's always been there if I really needed him… And I think Kenny's really in trouble this time._

_And he said he loved me. He said he _loved_ me. Me! Maybe I should… Maybe I really _should_ give him a chance… who knows…?_

Kyle's eyes changed as he stared at 'Kenny,' and for the first time in a long time, he couldn't keep looking.

_Don't die, Kenny._

------------------------------------------

Stan stood a few yards away. He didn't move. Kenny was dead again.

_Do I care?_ He thought about it, _Should I care? This is normal. Kenny wouldn't want us to cry every time, right? Kenny isn't so selfish._

_Or maybe he is. I don't know anymore. Apparently, I barely know the guy. Kyle told me… told me everything, and I just don't know anymore._

He watched Kyle step forward towards the curb, face confused and hurt.

_Of course he is. Kenny's a fucked up kid, but we're still friends. I shouldn't have bee such and ass._ He rubbed the back of his head self consciously. _Fuck Wendy. She was needy anyway. And if she wasn't drunk- and I- I trust Kenny- then I shouldn't be mad at him. I mean, haven't I known him long enough?_

He cast his eyes down suddenly. _God. I'm such an asshole. I totally freaked out on him, didn't I? Jesus Christ… He probably thinks I hate him. Crap. I don't hate you, Kenny!_

_It's not like I give a shit about him and Kyle. Wait- that sounded really bad. I didn't mean that._

_I just mean… I guess, I've known Kyle and Kenny since… well, since forever. Forever is a _long_ time. So I guess if that's what they want… I'm okay with it. So why did I flip on him? God. _

_But Kenny's seemed really… off lately. Ever since middle school, he hasn't seemed right. Like something's wrong. He doesn't smile as much anymore, and when he does… it doesn't reach his eyes. He's got some great songs- but the upbeat ones- the really happy ones always seem sort of awkward. It takes him forever to iron them out, like… like he's trying too hard. Is that it? He isn't happy? No… No, I think it's deeper than that._

Stan took a few steps back, not wanting to be here anymore.

_I think something might be really, _really_ wrong this time. Kyle said he told him to go away… and Karen…? Christ, what he does something drastic?_

_Don't die, Kenny._

-----------------------------------------

Cartman was reading over Kenny's lyrics back in Stan's garage. _They're pretty sad, but pretty good._ He thought idly, putting everything in him into being apathetic about Kenny's situation. But somehow, worry managed to worm it's way into his mind.

_Don't I always claim Kenny's _my_ best friend?_ He thought idly. He paused. _And if Karen's dead… and his faggy jew boyfriend dumped his ass…Damn. Kenny's such a fucked up piece of shit, he might just do something he's going to regret._

Cartman let the paper slide out from his fingers to the floor.

_Don't die, Kenny._

----------------------------------------------

Kenny came back with a flash. He looked around himself. He was standing in his room. His door was open. He went to close it, and heard the crying. _Mom…_ _and… Dad?_ He stopped. _Dad never cries for ME… I mean, he sobers up, but…_

Kenny closed the door, locked it, and turned to stare at his window.

_Fuck…_Was all he could think.

He sunk to the floor and closed his eyes, leaning back against the door for support. He hummed to himself under his breath for a moment as a sad, somber tune worked it's way into his heart and his head, then sang quietly when the words came as well.

"_God, if you're listening, I'm still here_

_God, if you're listening, have no fear_

_Cuz I'm not dead yet, no I'm not dead yet_

_But believe me when I say if I don't get out, then I'm dead set._

_Is anybody listening? I'm still crying out!_

_Is anybody listening? I'm really starting to doubt-_

_If anybody's listening since no ones calling back_

_Is nobody listening? My heart is starting to crack,_

_Is nobody listening? Is it true I never mattered?_

_Oh who am I kidding, nobody's listening cuz I already shattered._

_God, are you listening? I think I need an answer_

_To why I'm always hurting, bloody; burning; cancer;_

_God, are you listening? I need to know because,_

_God, if you're listening, no one ever does._

_Is anybody listening? I'm still crying out!_

_Is anybody listening? I'm really starting to doubt-_

_If anybody's listening since no ones calling back_

_Is nobody listening? My heart is starting to crack,_

_Is nobody listening? Is it true I never really mattered?  
Oh who am I kidding, nobody's listening cuz I already shattered._

_Nobody's listening, nobody's listening…_

_Nobody's listening, nobody's listening…!_

_I'm crying_

_I'm trying_

_But nobody's listening_

_Nobody's listening_

_Nobody's listening_

_Nobody's listening…"_

Kenny sighed, and went silent. He shook his head violently, and pressed his hands against his temples, sinking into a protective ball.

_I'm not selfish!_ He screamed into his head desperately, _I've never asked for anything! I didn't ask for money. I didn't ask for my parents to sober up, I didn't ask to go to college, or new things. I didn't asked to come back every damn time, and, and-_

Kenny stopped.

_I didn't ask for my sister to be taken from me._

_I didn't ask to fall in love._

_I didn't ask to be rejected._

_I didn't ask for my best friend to hate me._

_I didn't ask for my other friend to want me to be anywhere else._

_I didn't ask to have to come back._

Kenny checked the time on his battered phone. He'd been dead for at least a day- he was awake just in time to make it to homecoming, if they waited for him, they would still play.

Kenny went to the small nightstand beside his bed, and pulled open a drawer to reveal a revolver stashed beneath a few discarded socks. Kevin had left it with him when he'd moved out. Kenny stared at it for a moment, then picked it up, and checked to see if it was loaded. It was. Kenny stuffed it down the front of his pants and pulled his jacker over the handle.

_Sorry, guys. My turn to be selfish._

-------------------------------------------------------

Kenny pressed the door open gingerly, to stand for a moment and stare out at the crowded auditorium. As expected, everyone was dressed formerly, but not acting as such. Most seemed bored, as the dull music was lulling them half to sleep with the alcohol most had inevitably consumed.

Kenny sighed and made his way to the back, sliding between people in the crowd and almost appearing behind stage, wear his friends were lounging, bored and nervous.

Kenny made no attempt at greeting, simply stood while they noticed him.

"Kenny! Shit, dude, I was worried you weren't going to make it!" Stan cried, jumping to his feet.

"Kenny- how do you feel?" Kyle asked cautiously, pulling his guitar on.

"Do you want to know?" Kenny asked hoarsely. Kyle frowned, nodding. Kenny took a few steps forward, adjusted his amp, and picked up the mic.

"Ya'll wanna hear some _real_ music?!" He cried into the crowd, who responded with very real enthusiasm.

Kenny turned back to his friends, "Hit it."

They paused, uncertain, then Cartman nodded and tapped off the beat. The song began.

"_I'm not seeing anything, guys, oh god, can you?_

_It's almost kind of funny, I don't know what to do._

_Life's a bitch, I would know,_

_No one else does, but even so_

_That's why I'm dying, don't you think?_

_It's a sorta sink or swim and I know I'm gonna sink_

_I'm falling, falling, but that's what I get-_

_Come on, get gone, ready and set-_

_It's coming and bleeding and telling you to know_

_That I said goodbye, so ready and go._

_I closed the door_

_I turned away_

_My wings are broken, bleeding and sore_

_No, I'm not living today._

_Are we even here for a reason? God knows I need one_

_We weren't made to walk, but I just can't keep up a run_

_Kept it going going going gone_

_Why do you think I wrote this damn song_

_I don't get it, why am I still here?_

_Don't you get it!? I'm past the point of fear. _

_I closed the door_

_I turned away_

_My wings are broken, bleeding and sore_

_No, I'm not living today."_

Kenny pulled the gun out, and pressed the barrel to the side of his head.

_----------------------------------------------------------------_

Draik: Oh, man. This was a short chapter. Most of it was just song. XD

Kenny: I like what you did with the song there, the changing of the lyrics and all. 'S sneaky.

Draik: I NO RYT?!

Stan: 0.o

Draik: I like the sink or swim part.

Kyle: I think you made Kenny a little TOO emo.

Kenny: Dude, and how'd I get out of my house without alerting my poor, sobbing, sober parents? /sarcasm

Draik: …Window.

Kenny: Window?

Draik: …Well, what else are they for?

Kenny: True.

Stan: Don't agree with her!

Kyle: She's nuts!

Draik: This is true.

Kenny: There's only gonna be like, one more chapter, right?

Draik: Argh! SHUSH CHILD! *tackles*

Kyle: Omigod.

Stan: 0_o

Draik: Wellwellwell, ANYWAY! ^^;

LaughingAngelsGibberish – Um… He's… IDK OK I'M SORREE. *shot*

Caturday- Haha. That's what I've been told. Pshaw, of course you are. And yeah, I really wished I could have given her a bigger part, but I was afraid I'd go crazy making her character. Since she doesn't even TECHNICALLY have a name… or lines… or even really exist, I would go nuts building her character. And I don't trust myself with that. ;^^

Broflove: D'awwww. Don't worry, the K2 isn't dead yet. XD And you have no idea how warm and fuzzily it was to see you'd sought me out on DA. :3 Even though the link is on my profile and very very easy to click. Lol

**HAVE A VUNDERFUL DAY**


	6. Endings

**Selfish**

_I'm dead. I'm going to pull the trigger and blow myself to kingdom come and no one is moving._

'_Cuz nobody cares when _Kenny_ dies. 'Cuz Kenny doesn't matter. Kenny's a bad friend and a bad boyfriend and a bad brother, and he might as well die since no one needs Kenny around._

_It's funny. I guess I expected some sort of reaction. I've always said that I can't die, because someone would miss me at least a little… And yet…_

.

"_Kenny!_" Kyle screeched as Kenny brought the gun to his head. He tore the guitar and its constrictive cords over his head, and launched himself at what he realized too late to be his suicidal friend.

.

_Huh?_

.

There was a confused struggle as Kenny and Kyle hit the ground and rolled off of the low stage with a thud. The gun flew out of Kenny's hand, and skidded a few feet away.

.

'_Fuck you, Kenny.'_

.

Confused and disoriented by his fall, he shook his head, trying to heave himself up and off of the floor. He caught sight of the gun, though, and made a wild dive for it, but Kyle caught his leg, holding him back.

.

"_Dammit, at least he's right when he calls you a worthless son of a bitch!"_

.

Kicking and struggling, Kenny threw himself forward, his fingers just brushing it.

.

"_You wouldn't __dare__, you selfish piece of shit-"_

.

People were screaming now, running in chaotic circles and trying to get away from the boys fighting over the gun. It was pandemonium.

.

"_I swear to all that is good and holy, Kenny, if you hurt my friend I'll break your face."_

.

"No! Kenny, God, don't do it!"

.

"_Just hurry up and give me an excuse to kill you, why don't you?"_

.

"Fuck you!" Kenny screamed in protest, wrenching himself out of Kyle's grasp and snagging the weapon.

.

"_I- I think you should go, Kenny…"_

.

Kenny fumbled with it, trying to get it turned to the right way, "God _damn_ all of you!"

.

_I'm sorry Kenny_

.

Kenny pulled the trigger.

.

'_Dude, I'm sorry.'_

"_I thought that was pretty good."_

"_Hey, Kenny!"_

"_Come __on.__ Kenny, I've known you since we were __three years old__."_

"_You don't have to do that._"

"_Um… I do. Wanna come over?"_

"_You really should stop dying so much. One of these days, you aren't gonna get back up, y'know?"_

"_Kenny- how do you feel?"_

"_Kenny…?"_

.

Kenny's breath caught in his chest, somewhere between his lungs and his heart.

He stared down at his shaking hands, covered by Kyle's own, who had made one final lunge toward the weapon, jerking it in his own direction.

Kenny looked up from the gleaming silver barrel to Kyle's stomach, where the cloth had been ripped to shreds, and the flesh beneath ravaged and burnt. Blood began to trickle out, as if by some delayed reaction it had forgotten its job.

There was a full moment of pure silence. Though the gym still rang with the echo of the shot, and the screams of those who still remained in the building grew only louder, along with Kenny's own tortured breathing, which had begun again, Kenny heard nothing.

"_Oh_." Kyle said finally, his face surprised as he looked at the bullet wound, gaping and ugly and unreal. Then his legs wavered, and Kyle fell.

Kenny screamed.

.

"_Hey, Kenny?"_

_Kenny looked over and cocked his head to the side, "Eh?"  
"You wanna hang out?"  
"Duh." Kenny laughed, smiling beneath his hood._

"_Sweet," Kyle grinned, "whad'ya wanna do?"_

"_I dunno, let's get some lunch and play a couple of mind numbing video games."  
Kyle smiled, and took Kenny's hand in his, and led him beneath a great, bubbling silver arch, and wild flowers sprang up where he stepped. Kenny stared around him at the brilliant primary colours of the world and the sky and the building-less city made of lights and smiles with a look of wonder, but no confusion. _

_He sat himself on Kyle's couch with a plop, leaning back against one side. Kyle frowned._

"_Asshole, you're taking all the space."_

_Kenny grinned like a madman, and pulled his hood from his face, "You'll just have to sit in my lap, won't you?"_

_Kyle's face flushed like a field of ripe strawberries, and he looked like he was about to protest, which Kenny heavily anticipated, but the look vanished, and Kyle shrugged, his smile returning like tulips after a cold winter.  
"Okay." _

_Kenny blinked in surprise, "What?" But somehow, he found Kyle was already sitting between his legs, back leaning against him. Rather than protest to the situation, Kenny decided it was better to just roll with it, since it seemed to be rolling in his direction._

_His hand reached to the floor for a discarded controller, and passed one to Kyle. He wasn't sure what he was playing, but he was playing it. Kenny couldn't fully describe what he was doing, or why, but it didn't seem strange to him. The screen moved with fluid, bright, incomprehensible images that he couldn't describe or remember as soon as they passed, and if he tried to, it just looked white. After a few minutes of comfortable silence, Kyle spoke up._

"_Hey, Kenny? When you said you that you loved me, were you serious?"  
Kenny's face flushed this time, and he made sure to keep his eyes glued to the screen, "I don't lie."_

"_No, come on. I want you to say it for real."_

"…_I love you."_

_Kyle was silent._

"_Kyle?"_

_Nothing.  
"Kyle, now would be a _great_ time to respond…"_

"_I love you too, Kenny."_

_Kenny's face lit up like Christmas, and he sat up, dropping the controller. Kyle turned around to face him, and for the first time, Kyle kissed him for real. No faking. Not for show. The real thing._

_Kenny drew back and closed his eyes, trying to remember what Kyle tasted like when he was being real. What was it? A little like fresh strawberries, when they were still firm and juicy, and a little bit like vanilla, real vanilla, not the inexpensive fake kind that his mother had to use when she wanted to cook. Then his face fell._

"_This isn't real." He stated._

_Kyle frowned, "Not real?"  
"Can't be real. I died."_

_Kyle only smiled, "Silly, that bullet didn't hit you!" _

_Kenny stopped. Didn't- where did the bullet go…?_

_His eyes widened in horror- _

_(__**BLOOD)**_SHREDS**/**RAVAGED[**GAPING**]AND/_UGLY/_BULLET**!**HIT**!KYLE **

–_and Kenny sucked in his breath suddenly._

"_Then, you-!"_

_Kyle shrugged, and his smile didn't reach his eyes anymore, "Sorry, Kenny."_

.

Kenny kept screaming.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

_**One week later**_

It was raining.

Quite fitting, for a funeral. It was dreary, and gloomy, and in all essence, sad. Kenny had his head in his hands, unable to look up at the coffin resting on its stand beneath the tent.

He was biting his lip, putting everything in him into not crying.

_God… Why did you have to DIE…? _He thought, heartbroken. He shifted in his seat, letting his hands slide from his face to the sides of his head, pressing against his temples to try and block out his thoughts.

_God, God, God! It's not fair! You didn't deserve to die… You just didn't… Why did you have to go and DO something like that…? I was the crazy suicidal one, so why did YOU die?! It's not fair!_

Kenny heard someone, surprisingly close, start to cry, and with a jolt, realized it was him. But he couldn't stop, and just let himself cry. Hell. _I'm at a goddamn funeral! I can cry all the fuck I want, now!_ He screamed at himself.

A comforting arm reached out from beside him, and wrapped around his shoulders. Kenny let his hands fall, and looked up with wet eyes.

Kyle just nodded, and Kenny pressed his face into Kyle's chest and let himself sob, while Father Maxi continued to speak over Karen's casket.

--------------------------------------------

Kyle twitched, wincing, and Kenny pulled back, making sure to wiggle a few inches away, "You okay?" He asked, worried, casting his eyes down to the brace wrapped around Kyle's abdomen.

Kyle shrugged, nodding. Kenny felt a pang of guilt, and cast his eyes just a fraction lower. Kyle caught it.

"Hey, hey. I grabbed the gun, you idiot." Kyle inched back over, but Kenny shifted away again restlessly, guiltily.

"Yeah, but… I was the idiot with the gun in the first place…"

"Well, I don't know about you, but I'm _really_ glad you decided to try to kill yourself at school. How else would I have saved your ass?" Kyle moved back over, settling against Kenny's side, wriggling his way beneath his arm. Kenny gave up.

"You don't even _know_ if I would've come back or not…" He mumbled, frustrated, and still plagued with feelings of self-hatred, but gladly, not in the sense of killing oneself.

"Doesn't matter. I don't wanna see you hurt yourself."

Kenny smiled grimly, "Then I guess I should've done it where you couldn't see, eh?"

Kyle punched him playfully in the arm, "Hell no."

Kenny sighed, relaxing as he leaned back against the ledge.

"I can't believe they kicked you out of school, though."

"Bull. I brought a gun and _shot_ somebody with it. I'd be worried if they didn't get rid me. I'm just thankful I'm not in jail."

"Good thing my dad's a lawyer."  
"It's kinda weird, though."

"What?"

"Shouldn't your parents, y'know, hate me by now?"

"What? Why?"

"Exhibit A: I shot their kid."

"…By accident."

"Exhibit B: Your parents are crazy strict Jewish, and I'm dating their son."

"They- they just want me to be happy, right?"

"Plus, they've _always_ thought I was a bad influence on you, and they've never liked me too much anyway."

"Sure they have. I would know if my parents didn't like my friends."  
"They're too soft around you sometimes."

"_My_ mom's too soft?!"

"Sometimes, yeah." Kenny shrugged.

"Okay, okay. So maybe my parents _don't_ like you. Doesn't change the fact that my dad stuck up for you in court."  
"Yeah, though that _was_ before you and me started 'officially' dating."

Kyle shrugged, "Whatever. What the fuck ever."

Kenny rifled around his pocket for a moment, and pulled out his phone, checking the cracked screen, "You should probably get back to school, though. Lunch is almost over."

"Aww… I don't wanna go back… I hate my next period…"

"Yeah, well, you gotta go to college, so up you go. No skipping for you."

Kyle pouted, "You used to damn _help_ me get out of class."

"Well, I'm gonna be more responsible. So get your pretty ass in gear, zince you've got three minutes to get back across the street and campus."

"Three minutes?!"  
"Sorry. I stalled."

Kyle made an exasperated noise and stumbled to his feet, grabbing his thin backpack. Kenny just waved as Kyle made a break for it. It would be a close one. But he'd probably make it. Oh, well. Kenny picked up the fast food bag and walked it to the garbage, humming.

A flash of inspiration caught his eye when he noticed how upbeat the tune was.

"_Keep it up, Keep it going,_

_Trust me, it always stops snowing_

_On your pretty summer day_

_Yeah, winter goes away._

_Everybody's waiting, let's see that pretty face_

_Come on, move along, life ain't a race_

_No no no, it's all about us, yeah it's you and me_

_Don't listen to nobody who says what you're "supposed t'be"_

_Keep it up, Keep it going,_

_Trust me, it always stops snowing_

_On your pretty summer day_

_Yeah, winter goes away._

_Do it-to it!_

_Keep it up, Keep it going,_

_Trust me, it always stops snowing_

_On your pretty summer day_

_Yeah, winter goes away._

_Don't listen when they say do this be this_

_Listen up listen well cuz all they do is dismiss_

_No no no, your life ain't fair game,_

_Trust me, cuz even snowflakes aren't the same._

_Keep it up, Keep it going,_

_Trust me, it always stops snowing_

_On your pretty summer day_

_Yeah, winter goes away._

_I think I just might, just might_

_Be alright, alright!_"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Draik: Well, that was just a little bit psychotic.

Kenny: Awww. You didn't kill Stan. ^^

Stan: Sweet! I live!

Draik: Whaaa? Do I kill Stan often or something?

Kyle: 'Broken Toy Soldier.'

Stan: 'Glass Children.'

Kenny: And you were pretty harsh on him in 'Kenny are You Doing Okay,' too.

Draik: …

Kenny: Why are ALL of your stories about me?

Draik: Whaat? They're not ALL about you-

Kyle: Yeah they are.

Stan: Every one of them.

Draik: What?! *checks page* Hoshit. Sorry Stan and Kyle. 0_o

Kenny: I'm kinda sick of dying. You always torture your main characters.

Draik: That I do…

Kyle: You've really got a thing for K2, don't you. 0.o

Draik: Actually, my favorite pairing is Style, go figure. It's just that I lovelovelove Kenny. ^^

Kenny: Aww.

Draik: I find it absurdly easy to write from his perspective on life. It just sort of flows, y'know?

Kyle: Mm.

Stan: Eh. I guess.

Draik: Ohh. That's another thing lovelovelove.

Kenny: What? 0_o

Draik: Writing dialogue. ^^ I always try to write how people actually speak words, sorta slurred together and whatnot.

Kyle: Our words don't always slur though.

Draik: Well, if I tried to do it TOO realistically, it'd b'soundin' sorta like'is, y'know? 'Cuz when'yer aroun' frien's, pe'ple dun't pronounce stuff to caref'lly or pronounce 'd' too of'n.

Stan: Dear god. It looks redneck.

Draik: Well, try saying it out loud. It doesn't sound near as bad. Besides, I DO come from the 'deep south.' Port City, eh? Lol… I live no where near the ports… XD Actually, I don't even live in TOWN… It amuses my friends who live half an hour away. =_=

Kyle: Huh. I just walk to school.

Draik: Well, that's the end of it. Thanks for reading, guys. :D I actually _might_ have a sort-of sequel stemming from this. It probably won't be, but I still wanna use the basic plotline. But it just matches up like puzzle pieces with "Selfish" Kenny, so, I dunno.

Broflove: Sufficient stopping, hopefully? XD Thanks for being a loyal reviewer. :3 You always made my day.

iseealivepeople: Nothing I actually wrote, it would be too long and tedious and pointless. To keep the plot rolling, I just sort of said the Kyle explained, well, basically, the first three chapters to him. XD

Emo-Nerdy-Insane-Writer: Don't I always? X3 You always ask that, you'd think I'd be predictable enough by now! Lulz, thank j00 for reading, though. :D Stalkers from old stories like you make be all warm and fuzzily.

xxSay: I missed Yom Kippur? I was wondering where Seth went… (Seth=Jewish lol) Nuu! Don't cry! Look at the happy! LOOK AT THE HAPPY! They actually _do_ all have really rough melodies… Nothing final or anything, but very rough (and I do mean ROUGH) tunes. Guitar here, pause here, drumbeat here, sad solo here, piano here…. Etc, etc. Very sad no one will ever hear them. XD Well, I guess Kenny would want to do it like that because he wouldn't just want to fade away, be forgotten. Sort of a personal revenge, like he wanted everyone to _know_ just how bad he felt, and _know_ they could've helped him, but no one did. Sort of sad, really. :(

Caturday: There. Underlined AGAIN. ^_^ Just because you are special. Not because I was being lazy and copying and pasting names from my review list and forgot to de-underline yours… no, no, of course not… XD Oh, but isn't he? Kyle amuses me.

Um… Bands… *thinks way too hard about it* Red is probably my favorite, and I really like Skillet and Evanescence… Three Days Grace, Imogen Heap, Marianas Trench, the Offspring, SR-71, Simple Plan, Within Temptation, Thousand Foot Crutch… Some others, I guess… Then some random songs like 'When You Get Home, You're so Dead' and 'Jeremy' and 'Your Guardian Angel.' Mostly I just end up listen to soundtracks, thuough. XD Dr. Horrible and Brave Little Toaster are my favorites. :3 Wow, that was long…

**YOU ARE ALL AMAZING LOVE AND COOKIES TO YOU**


End file.
